patheticlosergl's Journal

9:47PM

Well yeah 2day was horrible!!!!! I cried like a bunch. It sucked! God it was a horrible day for me! I wanna smoke soooooooooo bad. Why u ask, well Dr.Warren has a girlfriend and because of this I am crushed! I mean yeah these are assuntions but come on who else could that woman have been? She was definitly his gf. But I've been good, I haven't smoked and I haven't called anyone well mainly cause I cant. I just dont understand all of this. I mean whats up? Whats going on? I really need 2 eat my snack but I just can't do it. God it was torture 2day just getting myself 2 go, but I did it. Im not giving up on getting better. Im still going 2 do this. I need 2. Yeah Dr.Warren was my motivation in the begining and he was the one well my infatuation with him anyways got me 2 get sober and get ready for recovery for my eating disorder. But I figure if I've come this far way give up now? Its just sooooo depressing because of what my fucking brain injury has done 2 me. God I kept thinking about it 2day and just wanting 2 go back into my disorder and do drugs. Its just so upsetting! I cant fucking function normally. Well I just can't read. And talking with Dr. Turc 2day was no help. Her asking me if I was going 2 be going back into college, well Im 2 fucking stupid 2 do that. But Im 2 embarresed 2 tell her. Its like thinking about all of this shit 2day was just overwelming. Yeah 2 most people its pathetic, like come on you have no problems. But I was really hurting all of 2day. Im just 2 embarresed 2 talk about any of it. So I just keep it all 2 myself. Which I know isn't helpful but Im not telling anyone here about my stupid Dr. Warren crush. Or my reading problem. Both though are really bothering me. Well Dr. Warren has a girlfriend so thats cool, that will pass. But with my reading I dont no where 2 even begin with that. God Im soooo sick of being by myself all the time. But I keep telling myself if I stick with this I'll be able 2 get out and make new friends and actually get a life. Its like I just dont want 2 feel anything right now, which is why I want 2 smoke soooooo bad. See this is what I love, Im hungry now but Im not giving into it. Im able 2 control it and I love being able 2 do that. But part of me is like no thats soooooo bad, nothing is getting any better by not eating your snack. But I felt like that fish sandwich was or had the 3 protein, 2 fat and 3 grain, and Julie made me order scalloped potatoes. Well thats just extra calories that my fat ass so does not need! which is why I need 2 go without my snack and I can always have anoth decafe coffee. At least it isn't caffinated. Good and changing into my pajamas I just felt well my body felt huge!! My waist feels like its getting bigger and umm that is not ok! Umm yeah a bigger waisted Sarah is not a pretty sight. Hmmmmm, What am I gonna do about this? Well I have the option of staying with PHP, which is the inteligent and the well thing I need 2 do!!! However with as shitty and as fucked up as I am I mean come on, look at me! Look at where I am in my life and what I've done, what have I done? I've done absolutly nothing!!! I'm the ultimate loser!! I dont deserve 2 get better. Shit I mean this is my 4 time back in treatment. But honestly I really want a life. Cause I haven't had one. I've done nothing but go through treatment. And thats not a life. Well I guess it is for me. Its all that I know. I keep comming back 2 it but I honestly just want out into the real world. Out of treatment. What am I supposed 2 do though with a stupid brain? God Im just so pissed about that!! Why did I have 2 do that 2 myself and fuck my life up?!!! I wanted so much! And I cant have it. God knowing this I really want my eating disorder! I dont want anybody but my eating disorder. I fucked my life up! Big time! Im gonna give PHP till Monday 2 think about this, cause I really dont know what I wanna do. God I really need 2 stop body checking. I just want my eating disorder. I know its not gonna be good this time, exspecially since I no I wouldn't smoke. I really feel like Im done with drugs for a while. God am I ever depressed. I was sitting in PHP suicidal as hell. I haven't been well last month actually. Im just sooooo sick of being so moody all the fucking time. Its ridiculous! God I really really hate myself! I am just so depressed now god I donr=t no what 2 do. how do I deal with this amount of depression? i mean its like alot. i just dont care. like i really dont give a shit about anything. fuck it like just hit me like 3 minutes ago . its weird. it was like boom . like something came crashing down on me. i feel so fucking horrible. i should go 2 bed. fuck my hunger like totally disapered. its gonei think im gonna stop taking my meds and see how that goes. i want some mania. and when i go into a depression well off meds its bad. then i can either well im gonna have 2 buy a staight edge razor blade sometime soon for that day, whenever that depression comes. cause after my manic episodes i know how suicidal i get. god i cant live anymore. come on a life in treatment, no friends, 22 yrs old one boyfriend who was a disgusting pervert and i was 2 pathetic 2 leave him. god i need 2 not live! yeah im goin off my med starting 2night. wow this is kinda sad but i really want this so i need 2 go through with it. i need 2 sm,ile and act as if everything is okay and no more crying, hmmmmmmm should i go 2morrow? eeeeek probaly not. naaaa i dont need 2 go 2 php any more. i just need 2 shit ill have dad on me for that. whats got into him, he used 2 want me 2 get a job now he wants me 2 get treatment. well im going off my fuckin meds so i can either well i hope i get 2 be manic first. cause thats always fun. alright no I need 2 snap out of this cause this is ridiculous. Yeah Im sad. But no more "oh poor me " bull shit. Come on Sarah If you want a life pull yourself together and work for it. and get rid of this stupid name you've created. Cause its bullshit!

Current mood: annoyed